The BSAC Branch Circa 2003 (Humour)

["Keith Lawrence" <keithl@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

[FX : Fizz, fizz, CRACK!! - the earlier fracture in the space time continuum
that we experienced seems to have weakened the very fabric of the universe
and a semi-permanent rift has developed linking our dimension with another
five years hence, both ends of this anomaly seem to be tracking the passage
of time within their respective dimensions. We find ourselves, once again,
observing a group of people sitting in the back room of a pub. A man sitting
in the centre of a group of people behind a long tables rises...]


Good evening everyone, as chairman and on behalf of the committee I would
like to welcome you to the November 2003 Extraordinary General Meeting of
TradDivers BSAC branch. There were some changes announced at Under Water
Universe that we would like to tell you about and update you on some other
recent developments.

Before we get down to the main business of the evening I would like to
remind ALL members of the solemn declaration (No. 267) that they signed that
requires all members to state that they will be tolerant of all people
regardless of race, colour or creed. We do NOT want any repeats of the
unfortunate incident at the pool the other week where a member took
exception to being accosted by a Witness from the Divine Immersion Religion
and attempted to perform what, to them, is the sacrilegious act of stuffing
1.5m of hose up her vestments, she of course responded by wrapping 2m of
hose around his neck and the squabbling pair had to be separated by other
members.

"?HEATHENS! HEATHENS!"

[FX : The chairman is interrupted by shouts from one of the Divine Immersion
Religion sect members sitting in a group resplendent in their sacred black
vestments. The protesting member is quietly taken to one side by other sect
members, given a totally inappropriate gas mix to breathe and reminded of
the sects planned pilgrimage to the holy shrine of Wakulla in an attempt to
calm her down. The chairman resumes?]

I have an important announcement regarding the proposal announced at the AGM
about the renaming of BSAC to the Primary Amateur Diving Institute.
Following in the great tradition established during the members rebellion of
1998, at least two people object to this change and BSAC have now formally
issued a clarification that states "just kidding - we only wanted to know if
anybody was paying attention" and members will NOT have their tongues
removed for uttering the initials BSAC. BSAC still stands for British Sub
Aqua Company and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.

I would now like to ask the membership secretary to outline some minor
changes to the membership renewal and joining procedures and some of the new
benefits of BSAC membership.

[FX : The membership secretary stands and shows the assembled members the
heavy four ring binder containing the amended membership form and
declarations?]

I would like to draw members attention to two new declarations that they
will be required to sign as a condition of membership. Declaration number
341 asks members to positively state?  "that they will in no way, harm,
tease or otherwise be cruel to cuddly fluffy creatures that cause people to
say 'Ahhhhh?'"

[FX : To illustrate the need for this declaration the membership secretary
produces a small kitten, the majority of the members go "Ahhhhh?." and agree
that this is an essential prerequisite for belonging to a dive club.
However, not everybody is in agreement and the Training Officer takes
extreme personal umbrage at being asked to sign such a declaration.]

Also, it has come to Councils attention that some members may not be taking
seriously and with due reverence the efforts being made on their behalf. It
has been noted that it is the attitude of some BSAC members that is solely
responsible for the demons of the SAtanists Association and others actually
taking advantage of what they see as the antics of the BSAC and using these
perceived irrelevancies to recruit members to the Dark Side of diving in the
UK.

Therefore, and with immediate effect, declaration number 342 has been added
that states "members will in no way comment on, question, criticise and
certainly not take the p**s out any actions of the BSAC Council". This is
deemed to be an essential change to the membership criteria in the light of
recent events. A spokeswomen for BSAC has stated - "Council made a unanimous
decision after months of research, advice and debate to include this
positive screening measure for all members. I can tell you that I was
personally very much in favour of it." This latest declaration was made by
the entire Council whilst standing knee deep in the waters of Chesil Cove
and commanding the tide to stay out longer to improve members slack time on
M2.

Announced at UWU were some welcome changes to the magazine that members
receive as part of their membership. International advertising revenue from
the internationally read Dive magazine has allowed BSAC to produce
speciality magazines targeted in both content and advertising to specific
sections of the membership -

Diving : For the male gender of the membership. This will include speciality
articles such as discussing the off-gassing of certain fast tissues due to
the increased blood flow generated by the reading matter used during
decompression stops.

Divee :  For the female gender of the membership. This will include
speciality articles such as comparisons of the different twin set and
floatation equipment owned by Diving readers.

Dive : The original magazine, for those members that are not quite sure.

[FX : The membership secretary sits down and while the chairman is having a
few words with the committee a major disturbance breaks out amongst some of
the assembled members. A pitched battle ensues over some sandwiches that
have been provided and the fight leaves one member out cold, an ambulance is
summonsed.

Meanwhile, taking advantage of the distraction, the Training Officer has
captured the kitten used by the membership secretary, inserted the pole of a
collapsible dive flag up its rear and can be seen furiously working the poor
creature around the breathing loop of his Expiration rebreather in an effort
to dry out the moisture accumulated during that evening training session.
This confirms the suspicions of the chairman that anybody not prepared to
sign declaration 341 must be a very sick person indeed. The chairman then
introduces the Training Officer, who is vainly trying to hide a wet kitten
behind his back?]

Good evening everybody, I would like to outline some changes proposed at UWU
that will be coming into force in their proposed form next year. As of April
2004 the training will be reorganised to rework the rebreather element and
bring the training more into line with the actual diving being undertaken,
this rebreather training will integrate the unit specific training on the
new dive computer that the Equipment Office will give details of later.

Let me assure you that this will not invalidate either of the two current
diving grades established by the 1998 training review of Preliminary
Underwater Practitioner or Global Ocean Diver which will remain valid as
long as there are divers of those grades. Anybody who has embarked on the
formal four year progression route to a higher grade will have until April
to complete their training. Members who wish to continue diving their old
open circuit equipment may continue to do so, BSAC will shortly be issuing
revised Safe Diving Practices on the procedures to be adopted when
integrating open circuit divers with club rebreather dives.

"Two tanks good - one tank bad, two tanks good - one tank bad?"

 [FX : The chant coming from the Divine Immersion Religion sect members,
they are silenced by the glare of the chairman and an assortment of missiles
(which include a rather damp kitten) from other members who are trying to
listen to the Training Officer.

Meanwhile a second paramedic team have arrived to revive the member knocked
out during the sandwich fight (the first team was turned away as they only
carried pure O2 and this was deemed to be an unsuitable mix for a BSAC
member), he is stretcherred out still mumbling incoherently about the
ownership of some sandwiches?]

The committee has decided that training costs will include the hire of our
ex-instructors from the local Centre Of Excellence so that we can complete
our training dives. It has also been decided that the start of the initial
training will be delayed by two weeks after new members have joined, this is
to allow them to recover from the repetitive strain injuries that have
resulted from the declarations on the current membership form.

[The Training Officer sits down, the chairman then introduces the Equipment
Officer?]

Good evening everybody, its nice to be back at normal pressure after my
extensive testing of beta versions of the new Intel p4048 MS Windows dive
computer. I have completed 70 dives with the new unit, 64 of them being
chamber dives that I used to test different service pack updates as I was in
there anyway. I am glad to announce that the testing is now complete and the
new dive computers will very shortly be in the shops. Microsoft has agreed
that a proportion of the profits from the sale of these new computers will
be donated to the memorial fund that has been set up to benefit the families
of some of the early beta testers, so buy a new computer and contribute to a
good cause!

The new computer is a total diving system that integrates with all
components of the modern scuba set, in fact when my evaluation unit
accidentally fell overboard it surfaced 45 minutes later complete with
digital playback of a 35m dive it had done - I was able to show this to my
fellow divers down the pub that evening. Some people have questioned the
quality of the software in modern computer controled diving systems, this
new dive computer software is completely safe and has been fully validated
by Cyberdyne Systems of America.

"Tables, tables, tables, tables?."

[FX : Once again the proceedings are interrupted by a chant from the Divine
Immersion Religion sect members, this is met by a second barrage of missiles
from members who are beginning to tire of their constant chanting of
religious dogma?]

Members will be required to purchase the BSAC version of the computer
(declaration No. 323) with the special BSAC features. Under the governments
Key Escrow policies the DO has been designated a Trusted Third Party and
will be able to encrypt the unit with a members current diving grade, the
complete integration of the unit will then prevent dives outside of the
recommended diving practices being undertaken. It will also interface with
your buddies unit to ensure that trainees are accompanied by a suitably
qualified instructor. Unrestricted SAtanist Association versions of the
computer will not be allowed on club dives.

There has been some disquiet from members about the lack of repetition
during training and the cutting down of the rescue skills required under the
new training scheme, this has all been dealt with by the adoption of this
new computer as the BSAC standard. Repetition of training is simply not
required due to the extensive on-line help available at all stages of the
dive, look up what you want when you need it.

Rescue scenarios are dealt with by the new Incident Management Wizard that
will guide users through the steps to be taken if the dive is not proceeding
normally. There are currently some bugs in this feature that will be
corrected with the release of the first service pack, during testing of the
unit it was set for a Preliminary Underwater Practitioner and it advised me
to simply tow an non-breathing corpse to the shore and consult with an
instructor rather than attempt resuscitation. This will be fixed in the next
release.

[The Equipment Officer sits down and the chairman rises to give the final
summing up?]

I would like to thank the members of the committee for that short update on
changes that will be affecting us all shortly. I know that there are some
members who are beginning to question the wisdom of us remaining a fully
franchised branch of the British Sub Aqua Company, but in the longer term
the committee feel that the financial windfall from any possible conversion
of the BSAC from mutual society to quoted company would be very beneficial.
The Council are doing their best to ensure that BSAC can continue to compete
in today's commercial world with a view to possible floatation at a later
date.

[FX : Fizz, fizz, splutter - the image fades. However, the chances of this
phenomenon happening randomly twice to the same place are astronomical. We
can only assume that a semi-permanent worm hole is developing -I'll keep you
posted with updates if (or when) such an event occurs.]


Keith L
[FX : Wonders?just how many people can I upset with one post?]

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